Who makes the decisions about future child’s needs?

(Aug. 18, 2023) — Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.

Q. I am 20 weeks pregnant and recently found out I will have to go through an amniocentesis to find out if our baby is OK.

To put it in perspective, I am carrying one child but my blood work is elevated as if I am having twins. Since being told, my partner and I have been overwhelmed and have done what everyone has said not to do: We Googled it.

Going through every diagnosis, we talked about our options. My partner finally told me the decision was mine. If our child’s condition would result in them needing medical care and supervision their entire life, I would be the primary caregiver.

I am unsure how to feel about my spouse’s choice to remove themselves from accountability for such a serious decision. Thoughts?
– Justine

Dominique responds

There is a lot to process here. But I would like to pull the lens back and consider the entirety of what may be the reasons for your spouse’s statement.

Take a minute and think about your partner and who they are outside of this moment. What stances do they take morally, ethically and politically? Is it out of their realm to take a view like this?

Consider a reality where a partner understands this decision will impact you far more significantly than themselves. As much as they want a child, you have a right to decide – not only the right now but your future conditions for motherhood. Your body. Your choice.

If it is determined your baby may have severe challenges, they may feel you should have the final say as you will be the primary caregiver.

Justine, your partner may be terrified to give you their genuine opinion – fearing your choice will ultimately become a point of resentment toward them. No one can resent or blame you when the option isn’t yours, right? It could be a better-laid plan, as one can always find a way to incorporate another into the fray.

If you believe your partner is not one to hold back, ask them what possible resentment they might have. Your partner may be overlooking the emotional toll your choice will take on them. Do you think during your initial conversation they thought they already knew your choice?

Fear and uncertainty

Fear can motivate some and shut down others. It can bring clarity or uncertainty. It can push us into taking the lead or being a passenger. How does your mate handle fear? What tends to be their approach to working through tough times?

You are trying to put pieces together with nothing but fear, Google and Webmd. You can lean into each other once you know more.

Ultimately, if there is a decision to make and it is in your hands, ask questions, assess risk, and think about who you are and your mental well-being both in the now and future.

Be well; you are worthy.

Email questions and comments to her at ­leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.