Dominique King Lean in with Love

Wife suspects husband is gay, wonders how to proceed

Dominique King Lean in with LoveQ. My husband is gay. He hasn’t said it, but I know. Call it a gut feeling or female intuition. I want my hacusband to be happy, but, selfishly, I want my family to stay intact. There is this subtle tension, and I wonder if he thinks I know and wants me to say something so he doesn’t have to. The thought of us separating scares me as much as the thought that my husband will live out the rest of his life unfulfilled. I have no clue what to do. – Laurie

A. A woman’s intuition can be a blessing or a curse. Unfortunately, those two extremes are your current reality. What is important to remember is that although you may believe something to be accurate, unsupported by facts or another’s confirmation, it is still a hunch.

The tension you feel isn’t going anywhere until someone acknowledges it. I do not suggest breaking the ice by announcing, “I know you are gay.” Instead, lead with your feelings and observations. Your intent is not to make a statement. It is to open lines of communication. Use inclusive language. What do you think? Do you mind sharing how you feel?

The conversation may go no deeper than both of you being honest about the existence of tension. On the other hand, it may unfold into a conversation that scares you or offers a sense of relief. If there isn’t careful consideration of how to start the conversation, it will come from a place of frustration, confusion and fear.

Laurie, you can be utterly petrified of what it would mean for your husband to accept who he is – if he is gay. On the other hand, empathy, compassion and desire for your husband’s happiness can exist.

It is hard not to focus on the elephant in the room, but I suggest taking this as an opportunity to do some soul-searching. Enlist the help of a robust support system, talk to a therapist and seek ways to nurture your individuality. Regardless of the outcome, it is time to create a stronger sense of self and a firm belief you are not defined or regulated by another’s actions or choices.

The lifestyle your husband ultimately wants is his choice, and the same option is yours. I hope you will take my two cents on whether you choose to stay or leave: “Never let someone else’s decisions determine your path.”

Be well; you are worthy.

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Dominique King
Dominique King

Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.