Parenting through bad behavior takes unity
(May 18, 2022) — Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.
If you would like some advice on a person issue, send email to Dominique at leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.
Q. My wife had a traumatic childhood, and it negatively affects how she parents our children – especially our daughter. Our daughter is spoiled, manipulative and emotionally explosive. My wife cannot see how problematic this behavior is and how it affects our two other children. She has had 12 years to do it her way, and I am done watching this train wreck. Our daughter is entering her teen years, and I can only see the problem worsening. How can I get my wife to do things my way? – Colton
A. Let me start by saying that nothing I write is to take the place of a licensed professional.
Colton, I can feel the steam coming off your words. Raising kids in a home with different parenting styles and a lack of unity creates a rift that is felt throughout the house. Along with a parental battle, a child may grab power in a third direction to create his or her own structure. As a child experiences success in dividing the power dynamics three ways, it becomes increasingly difficult to take away the child’s perceived control.
I understand your frustration and disappointment with your daughter’s behavior. However, you can’t resolve the issues by demanding your wife do things your way.
Instead of taking over, the effort should be to come together. Outside of therapy, which I highly recommend, you can do a few things.
Admit defeat as a team. You both must accept accountability and acknowledge that your wife’s solo approach to parenting failed while you willingly relinquished power. Your daughter saw a weak spot in your relationship and has capitalized on it. Unfortunately, it happens to parents more often than we would like to admit. If you can take accountability, you can focus on changing your family’s situation instead of placing blame.
Become a student of parenting styles. Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. However, there is a plethora of information from trained professionals. Dive into learning about parenting styles, how children respond to each one, and their pros and cons. As you create a blueprint for your home, you will find yourself unpacking the why behind your previous approach to parenting.
Practice patience and consistency. The issues with your daughter will not be solved after a few books or YouTube videos. Refrain from implementing what you learn as soon as you read it. Instead, take some time to let it sink in. Talk with your wife about how you both are perceiving the information. Be clear on what you are both comfortable implementing. Decide how you will support each other and hold yourselves accountable.
Create a plan of action and discuss potential outcomes. Hold a family meeting to explain changes and future expectations. A strong, unified front, paired with consistency and patience, will give the best chance of success.
Colton, there is nothing to gain by passing blame, stripping your wife’s input or spontaneously announcing: “There’s a new sheriff in town.”
Hand in hand with your wife, invest in therapy, admit defeat, become students, and practice patience and consistency. Your daughter is depending on you both.
Be well; you are worthy.
Email questions and comments to leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.
Dominique King
Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.