Those experiencing grief ‘call the shots’ for celebrating the holidays

CONTRA COSTA COUNTY, CA (Dec. 23, 2024) — Grief doesn’t take a holiday, even during these most festive times that are all about warm memories and creating joyous new ones with family and friends.

The holidays can be a stark reminder of a loved one’s absence, regardless of when the death occurred. Over time, these periods will get easier, yet some find it hard to fill the void amid the trappings of the season.

“Whatever the holiday season has meant for you in the past, it is likely forever changed due to the death of your loved one,” said Joseph Lumello, who has served as Bereavement Services manager for Hospice East Bay Grief Support Services for more than 13 years.

Lumello and his peers in the grief support community share the mindset that having a plan A, B and even C is essential to just survive this period and the triggers that remind people of their loved ones.

“Don’t place a lot of expectations on your plate,” he said. “Just for this holiday, do what you need to do to get through it.

“You get to call the shots how you are going to experience the holidays,” Lumello continued.

John Muir Medical’s Spiritual Care Department oversees its grief support efforts, and one of the group leaders is Jeffrey Ishmael. The chaplain for 23 years echoed Lumello’s sentiments.

Grief, said Ishmael, is complicated and everyone’s experience at the holidays can be different, leaving some to wonder: “I thought I would have a harder time, and I am OK.”

Yet others grieving at the holidays “are just not up to it,” he added.

Even when people make plans, Ishamel said they shouldn’t be surprised not wanting to go when the day comes.

“Give yourself the freedom to change those things at the last minute,” he said.

‘Tap into what feels right’

This will be the second Christmas for Denise Kalm without her husband, Mike, who died in October 2023.

“Mike is a spirit in my life,” she said, acknowledging she misses the sound and presence of him in the house.

Last Christmas, Kalm just put out the Christmas village display that was a part of their routine for the holidays. This year, she is changing it up to go with a live wreath and decorating with funny ornaments that she had gotten for her husband through the years.

“Tap into what feels right,” she said.

Kalm recommends being around people and keeping a pretty full schedule to ward off loneliness. This year, though, she felt she needed to add more down time to her calendar.

Although an annual letter was part of Christmases past, Kalm opted instead to pen a story about a woman who is facing her first Christmas without her husband.

“It is about giving yourself permission to do something new and not do something,” she said.

Hence this year she is making sushi.

“Go with what your gut tells you is right and discard those things that don’t,” Kalm continued.

In doing so, Kalm noted one is reinventing themselves as a reflection of the change that has taken place in their lives.

Participating in grief counseling has also been a part of her journey forward.

“That has helped me to have a new purpose,” she said.

‘Leaning into your grief’

Veronica Carroccio, a bereavement counselor with Sutter Health Hospice in Concord for six years, also emphasized the importance of having a plan that sets limits to help navigate through the season and the potential roller coaster of emotions.

Like her peers, she suggested placing a photo, lighting a candle or putting a place setting on the table for the loved one as options to remember that individual. Marking all special days on a calendar when a grief trigger is approaching may help people better cope when they arrive.

“By leaning into your grief, much like when you do when you wade into the ocean, you find the footing to withstand the inherently unpredictable waves of emotional ups and downs,” Lumello said in Hospice East Bay’s YouTube video entitled “Coping with Holidays.”

“By preparing in advance, you will better navigate aspects of the holiday season that will be challenging,” he added.

Grief Support Services

• Hospice East Bay: contact@hospiceeastbay.org, 925-887-5695 or www.hospiceeastbay.org/services/grief-support.
• John Muir Medical’s Spiritual Care Department: Leave a message at 925-674-2629 for a response within 24 hours on weekdays. The department’s Grief Support Group: A Chance to Heal is free.
• Sutter Health Hospice: 925-363-4126 or www.sutterhealth.org/services/home-health-hospice/grief-support-concord.