Mom now knows pregnancy is not for her
(Apr. 16, 2022) — Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.
Q. I suddenly feel I’m in a confessional, but here goes. I do not want to be pregnant again, and my husband desperately wants to try for another. Our daughter is 3, and as much as I love her and would enjoy another child, I do not want to be pregnant.
My pregnancy was normal, with no complications during birth. I was excited when I found out I was pregnant. But as things progressed, I began detaching from the pregnancy. My body wasn’t my own and felt foreign to me. There are no pleasant memories I attach to the nine months my body was an incubator.
In February, my husband asked me if I would stop taking my oral birth control so we could start trying for another baby. I said yes. I stopped the oral contraceptive but immediately started Depo, a birth control shot I take discreetly at my doctor’s office.
I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child naturally. I know my husband wants more children. I am scared that he will resent or leave me if I tell him. – Maggie.
Choices
A. Maggie, I want to clarify this. Your decision surrounding your body and pregnancy is yours to make. That said, your husband has the right to make informed choices about his future.
As hard as it is for you to open up about your pregnancy experience with your spouse, it is the only way you will lay the foundation to have a deeper conversation. Transparency is not easy, especially when it’s believed what will be revealed will not be seen in the best light.
Find an opportunity when you both can have dedicated time with each other. Begin the conversation by asking your partner if he struggled with anything during your pregnancy. Then ask his perspective on how you handled your pregnancy. He may believe your pregnancy was completely different than your reality. Remember, it is his perspective. Actively listen to hear him, not listening to respond.
When it is your turn, silence the thought to sugarcoat and articulate your mental, emotional and physical struggles.
Withholding the truth
The longer you withhold the truth, the bigger the lie becomes. When it spills over, the emotional damage will cut deep for the both of you.
Every negative consequence you are worried about is more likely to be the outcome when fear, manipulation and dishonesty lead your decisions. You are selling your husband a dream that has the potential to crush him when he realizes you do not plan on making it a reality.
You have options for bringing more children into your family. But you will never know what compromises your husband is willing to make if you strip him of the chance to choose.
If your husband decides that you not wanting to be pregnant is a reason to leave the marriage, my question to you is: Why would you want to be in a marriage that does not honor both partners’ needs? Love cannot fix that void.
Be well; you are worthy.
Email questions and comments to Dominique King at leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.
Dominique King
Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.