Listen actively and be clear about your expectations
Editor’s note: Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.
Stacy M, a newlywed from Antioch is frustrated with her husband’s immature behavior.
Two years of marriage, and I am ready to call it quits. The moment I said, “I do,” I became my husband’s surrogate mother. He went from being an independent adult to being incapable of picking his socks up off the floor, making a doctor’s appointment and paying a bill. I worry about leaving him alone in the kitchen with an open flame too long. When we were dating, he always said I would make a great mother. I thought he meant to our future children, not himself. How do I get my husband to stop acting like my child?
Stacey, short and sweet answer. Stop treating and looking at your husband as a child. You have an opportunity to set the tone of your marriage, and that starts with taking some accountability, incorporating intentional communication, active listening, and establishing personal and relationship boundaries.
Before you exchanged vows and bands, logic would say that his potential to hand over the reins in particular areas was staring at you. As couples work toward the big day, they often place mental blinders, overlook or explain away minor annoyances and ignore red flags. Marriage is where the big reveal happens.
Intentional communication
How are you two communicating? In the first few years of marriage, no one wants to be the one to bring the honeymoon phase to an end. Instead of waiting for the moment you explode, set a date to talk. Pick neutral ground where you both can feel safe. Write down what you want to say and think about how you would want someone to speak to you.
Active listening
Do not unload all of your complaints and wait for him to say, “Yes dear, you’re right.” Your husband might have his two cents, too. Actively listen to what he is saying. Don’t just dismiss it as him trying to one-up you. Stay away from adding a “but” to the end of his statements. (“But if you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have …”) Allow yourself to be vulnerable and open.
Establish boundaries
Stacey, you may have said or not said you dislike a particular behavior your husband exhibits. However, by continuing to mother him, you have tacitly agreed he can continue as if nothing is wrong. If you put a dirty dish in the sink and each time you come back, it was clean, why would you change? Both of you need to create individual and marital boundaries. Make time to check-in with each other to discuss what is going well and areas that may need tweaking.
A work in progress
There are so many versions of what a successful marriage looks like, and all of them take continual work. Lean in with love, decide to communicate, actively listen, create boundaries, commit to trying, celebrate each other along the way. Your wedding was no doubt a beautiful celebration. Welcome to the marriage.
Be well. You are worthy.
Email questions to King at leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.