How to make a safe exit from a friend group
Q. I recently decided to leave my friend group because the cattiness and competitiveness that has developed within the group leaves me feeling uncomfortable.
We have been friends for at least nine years, but I believe we are outgrowing the group setting and that I am just the first one to back away. There are a few women with whom I would like to stay friends, however, I fear losing them because they will take me leaving the group as a personal attack.
How do I even go about removing myself – quietly and slowly or open and to the point? I would really like an outside opinion on how I might move forward without causing a complete fallout.
A. This is an important issue that has likely crossed the minds of countless women and men. However, keep in mind that no matter the approach, hurt feelings and fallout may be inevitable.
My first thought is to be clear this is what you really want. Changing your mind down the line may make it difficult to reenter and be viewed as a trusted member of the friend group.
Have you tried to bring up how you are feeling? If not, why do you think you can’t? At a minimum, nine years of friendship should have created an environment where you feel comfortable expressing your concerns.
An open and direct approach
Let’s say you have voiced your frustrations, and nothing has changed. You decide to take an open and direct approach. This might be appreciated as candid and honest or seen as judgmental and confrontational. A straightforward conversation can put the problem at the forefront before a decision is made. Have you considered how you may have contributed to the problem? And are you prepared for their criticisms, questions, efforts to resolve the situation or even their indifference toward you leaving?
Keep in mind that words linger, so do not say anything you might regret – especially if there are some individuals you want to retain as friends.
Quietly withdrawing from a group can be perceived as a cop-out. Removing yourself while leaving the impression that you want to still be included is disingenuous. Ghosting the group makes others responsible for explaining, justifying or creating a narrative that may not be true. Not making a big announcement but declining group invites may bring inevitable questions. Dragging your exit will prolong the inevitable, and you may find yourself the source of gossip.
It’s OK to want to leave if you feel this group is not a healthy environment for you. However, you have to be prepared for some to take your going as severing a personal tie with them as individuals. Perhaps even the friends you want to keep.
Once out of the group, avoid speaking ill of the group to the friend(s) you have kept. Making disparaging remarks toward your previous circle will eventually become a sore spot, and you may also lose that friend(s). Remember you left the group, not them.
Best of luck. Be well; you are worthy.
Dominique King is a wife, mother, lifestyle blogger and avid long-distance runner. Email questions and comments to her at leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.
Dominique King
Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.