Don’t let siblings bully you over dad’s estate
CONCORD, CA (Sept. 14, 2022) — Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.
Q. I moved in with my father and became his caregiver for 10 years before he passed. My two siblings never held up their promise to pitch in financially. They would take him on holidays and special occasions but were never a part of his daily care.
Six years before my father’s medical decline, I became co-owner of my father’s home, his will’s trustee and the sole beneficiary of everything except his insurance policy – which he gave to my siblings.
I’ve sold the house, and my brothers are furious that I refuse to provide them with any money for it. Their comments include: “You brainwashed our father.” “You are a thief.” “You were not a good caregiver.” And “You are not being a good Christian.”
I am hurt by their words and almost feel like I should give in to prove I did not force my father to make any of his choices. – Shinn
A. Shinn, what you did for your father is admirable; not many people can take on the responsibility of caring for a loved one. Those who have been caregivers for family members with or without extended support agree that it is hard work physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is often a thankless job and comes with critiques from others who wouldn’t last 48 hours.
Death and money are a messy combination and often bring out the worst in people. Credit to your father for making sure his affairs were in order. You and your siblings may never know why your father divided his assets the way he did. What is known is that he believed his choice in who got what was fair; therefore, you do not owe anyone an explanation or any additional money.
You are upset by your brothers’ lack of support, their broken promises and their nasty comments – and you should be. What you should not feel is obligated to prove you are a good person by giving in to their demands.
For whatever reason, you had to take on the financial liability of your father’s home. As a result, he saw fit to hand the title over to you. In the 10 years you were there, I have no doubt you invested back into the home itself.
Shinn, when they attempt to gaslight you, the conversation needs to end. Creating boundaries and enforcing them will send a clear message that the only thing that will come from abusive statements, gaslighting and guilt trips is the prompt ending of any interaction.
Y ou are still grieving while at the same time trying to figure out what day-to-day life will look like now that your father is gone. Seek out professional help, make a solid plan and gain your balance. Your father gave you a valuable lesson: Your decisions do not have to satisfy everyone.
Be well; you are worthy.
Email questions and comments to Dominique King at leaninwiththekings@gmail.com.
Dominique King
Dominique King is a blogger who centers around marriage, family, fitness and personal growth. Her insightful and practical approach to advice gives everyday couples, parents and individuals a space to get answers to their questions.